I really don't know how I feel about the original documentary project itself. I didn't know myself very well when I started it, but I always wanted to let myself be exposed. The active part self-combusted at a certain point, and then I put myself into codependency recovery. Coming out of that now, it's trying and time-consuming taking a lathe to old material, eliminating bad shit, getting to know what's there, rethinking what it could mean. It may never mean or amount to anything, but nothing I make ever will unless I get to understand it all as best I can first.
I was someone who experimented and created a lot, and thought deeply about the approach, but hardly ever about the product or how it came across. I also am reinventing many wheels simultaneously, so it takes a long time for an imago of solidity to emerge. But when material involves other people, or is sensitive, I was fairly irresponsible in limiting myself to experimentation and open-ended publishing.
Choosing the music scene was also difficult, because people were more focussed on how they came across, less about their approach or intention. So this has caused a lot of friction and confusion. Anyone outside the system of media gatekeeping who is seen to be an advocate for women in abuse issues in music scenes is generally punished, even for minor misdemeanors, through ostracism and mundane cointelpro-style gangstalking routines, which wear off only when the person has been sufficiently absent long enough for people to finally realise that their sycophantic terrorist cell gatekeeper is an aspiration and mutual motivation manipulator. It's difficult for any self-promoting artist to disappear, but my sloppy presentation has been taken advantage of by more authoritative people who want to recontextualise a convenient narrative.
I think its a combination of my mistakes and these social problems which have led to people assuming its cool to harass me in public, and online continuously, without much appropriate support of any kind. In the past, when I've been supported in supporting others or myself, individuals either did so for unscrupulous aims, or their friends refused them the necessary complementary support. As anyone who has actually successfully undertaken an accountability process can attest to, for example, it takes a lot of time and energy to do shadowwork on yourself, and for me it just makes things take ten times as long when I'm constantly having to defend my privacy and fend off psychosocial attacks from people in the scene. So I've decided it is healthiest to leave Melbourne.
The problem with using cointelpro strategies is that it assumes the target is politically motivated from a particular side. In order to justify the harassment, the target must be proven to be this thing 100%. It solidifies any partisanship or politic the artist might have whenever they interact with their attacker, which eventually becomes the only outside world.
I had originally wanted to make an arthouse film, but had been told that that would be a 'cop-out for investigative journalism' by someone who then claimed I was making a political persecution piece. Frankly, I couldn't think of anything more absurd and tedious. The material I gathered certainly could never fulfill such a thing. I don't really see how me interviewing people at gigs around Melbourne about their approach to curating feminist nights could incriminate anyone. Gossipping and painting me as a judge about to bring the hammer down, and pretending that I have dirt on people that I don't have forces me into an impossible situation, just to control and humiliate me and make excuses for not working on and focussing on reality.
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